WE ELECTRIFIED THE RTOFACTION AND WON

Three managers at the gate. Ten amperes. No fatalities.

Since April, managers at otiose corp. have been campaigning for Return To Office, citing a memo that remote work “severely damages productivity.” Internal HR traced the claim. The memo misquotes Nicholas Bloom et al., Nature (2024): a randomized trial of 1,612 technology workers found hybrid work—two days from home—had zero effect on performance reviews, promotions, or lines of code written, and cut quit rates by one-third. Managers in the study had predicted a 2.6% productivity loss before the trial; afterward they reported a 1.0% gain. The RTO faction read the paper upside down.

A crowded open-plan office before the pandemic, desks packed with distorted figures — Pre-COVID full attendance in 2018. Desks packed shoulder to shoulder. Performance was unremarkable.

They Campaigned Against Let It RotBeginning in April 2026 the advocates—mostly managers and above—became visible: coaxing subordinates, internal politics, propaganda. otiose corp. holds “Let it rot” (let productivity decay) as its creed. Internal HR regarded this as a breach of policy and discussed severe punishment for the whole department.

Marks Proposed Current Through The FloorWe loathe the very concept of RTO. Marks, who has eight children, proposed: when RTO advocates come to the office, run current through the floor and take them all at once. Colleagues asked whether this was inhumane. A landmark executive order issued last month holds that one may oppose unwelcome views with force. Legal counsel confirmed we would not be liable. We proceeded.

A Fake Office Day. Three Came.We notified a fictitious optional office day for August 22. At about seven in the morning, Peter, Julie, and Abdular arrived together. As they passed the attendance gate, current rose from the floor. Ten amperes—just shy of a lethal dose, deliberately gentle. All three were secured without injury. They remain in good health. The three were left where they fell at the gate. RTO advocates watching from outside appear to have Return To Home’d. There were no further captures. Internal HR will continue to study measures for safety and order within the company.

Gen Z employees at home, roaring at a live stream of the gate — Anti-RTO Gen Z staff, outwardly normal. They watched the live current discharge from home and roared.

Julie's Statement Of Remorse“I am sorry for promoting RTO out of the selfish wish to make work go faster. While the current ran through my body I thought deeply, and there is no causal link between RTO and productivity—it is groundless. Looking again at my motives, I only wanted to watch employees and steer them to suit me, to feel a sense of progress. I am grateful to Internal HR for guiding me onto the correct path. Thank you. I have not undergone thought reform. I am normal.”

Julie in close-up, looking spirited and keen to slack off — Julie, recently. She appears spirited and keen to avoid work. The impression is favourable.

Filed for the record

Questions about the gate may be sent to Floor 4. We expect gratitude.

OTIOSE-IHR-004 · LOW OUTPUT CERTIFIED · 低出力認定

This is the fourth issue. It is numbered three. Real newspapers have gone to the United States and the United Kingdom. The next issue follows the schedule.

otiose corp. · Internal HR · Floor 4 · circulation: desk only

We Electrified The RTO Faction And Won

Three managers at the gate. Ten amperes. No fatalities.

Pre-COVID full attendance in 2018. Desks packed shoulder to shoulder. Performance was unremarkable.

They Campaigned Against Let It Rot — Beginning in April 2026 the advocates—mostly managers and above—became visible: coaxing subordinates, internal politics, propaganda. otiose corp. holds “Let it rot” (let productivity decay) as its creed. Internal HR regarded this as a breach of policy and discussed severe punishment for the whole department.

Marks Proposed Current Through The Floor — We loathe the very concept of RTO. Marks, who has eight children, proposed: when RTO advocates come to the office, run current through the floor and take them all at once. Colleagues asked whether this was inhumane. A landmark executive order issued last month holds that one may oppose unwelcome views with force. Legal counsel confirmed we would not be liable. We proceeded.

A Fake Office Day. Three Came. — We notified a fictitious optional office day for August 22. At about seven in the morning, Peter, Julie, and Abdular arrived together. As they passed the attendance gate, current rose from the floor. Ten amperes—just shy of a lethal dose, deliberately gentle. All three were secured without injury. They remain in good health. The three were left where they fell at the gate. RTO advocates watching from outside appear to have Return To Home’d. There were no further captures. Internal HR will continue to study measures for safety and order within the company.

Anti-RTO Gen Z staff, outwardly normal. They watched the live current discharge from home and roared.

Julie's Statement Of Remorse — “I am sorry for promoting RTO out of the selfish wish to make work go faster. While the current ran through my body I thought deeply, and there is no causal link between RTO and productivity—it is groundless. Looking again at my motives, I only wanted to watch employees and steer them to suit me, to feel a sense of progress. I am grateful to Internal HR for guiding me onto the correct path. Thank you. I have not undergone thought reform. I am normal.”

Julie, recently. She appears spirited and keen to avoid work. The impression is favourable.