Consultant

KNOWN ALIASES / DISGUISES:

MARKET AVERAGE

$110,000

* This figure represents the individual's compensation; the consulting firm bills multiples of this per hour, leveraging the individual's perceived expertise while retaining the bulk of the revenue.

"A significant investment for superficial insights, primarily funding the firm's partners, the consultant's LinkedIn profile, and the illusion of progress."

[DIAGNOSIS]Often the first external cost cut during budget tightening, as internal teams are pressured to absorb 'strategic' initiatives themselves, or the client realizes they just paid for obvious observations.

"You will perform sales, customer service, relationship management and other duties in order to ensure customer satisfaction and retention!!!! We are passionate about customer service and going the extra mile."

OTIOSE TRANSLATION

Cultivate client relationships by promising transformative results, then manage expectations downwards when internal stakeholders prove resistant to change, all while billing for 'strategic partnership'.

"They analyse a company's IT system and infrastructure and diagnose its system problems, inefficiencies and weaknesses. They also analyse company data and identify security threats, and advise on best technology practices."

OTIOSE TRANSLATION

Identify systemic issues that are already common knowledge within the client organization, repackage them as novel 'discoveries,' and recommend solutions that require significant additional consulting engagement.

"The Business Consultant is responsible for completing the analyses, creating the deliverables, and managing the processes associated with the implementation of EAC programs for health plan clients."

OTIOSE TRANSLATION

Generate exhaustive documentation and complex process flows for 'programs' that are rarely fully implemented, primarily serving as justification for the firm's invoices and future engagements.

[10:00 - 11:00]

Strategic Alignment Workshop

Facilitate a whiteboarding session to redefine 'innovation' for the 5th time this quarter, generating new buzzwords for old concepts.

[13:00 - 14:00]

PPT Polish & Buzzword Infusion

Transform generic data into 'actionable insights' by adding more charts, gradients, and enterprise-grade jargon to the client deck.

[16:00 - 17:00]

LinkedIn Thought Leadership Post

Craft a post about 'disrupting paradigms' and 'leveraging synergies' based on today's non-progress, ensuring personal brand visibility.

"Partners underestimate that people aren’t that dumb though to realize their salary share isn’t that great."

— r/consulting

"executives will drop $500k on an audit or exercise designed to be transformative to make it look like they're proactive and aggressive... But then the recommendations are deemed too hard or too disruptive so only a few items are cherry picked. If I'm a worker watching that money get spent, and then the recos go nowhere while my bonus continues to be garbage, salaries continue to barely keep up with the CPI, and nothing substantive happens, I'm going to brand that spend a complete waste."

— r/consulting

"I get paid dirt as an individual, the consultancy as a business gets all the money. Client devs don't really know but, yes, the consulting company probably gets paid 3x your salary."

— r/cscareerquestions

"Work is mundane and boring. I feel mismatched to my job, far more technical than my immediate peers and the processes are misdirected and headache-inducing. Becoming specialized in one product? Wow, what a versatile skillset that will carry me so far in life. Every day I spend at this job, the less competitive I become in the technical areas that interest me."

— r/consulting