The Internal HR desk spent four months asking what artificial intelligence has done for this company. The answer is printed below in full. Nothing is asked of you.

Actions Taken:

Salary Reductions: Every director and above who pushed a rollout. Fourteen people.

Metrics Withdrawn: AI proficiency and AI utilization. Gone from reviews as of this morning.

Letters Sent: We have written to OpenAI and to Anthropic asking them to stop promising dramatic gains.

Guidance Revised: Use these tools when they will let you get out of something. That is the whole policy.

We brought artificial intelligence into otiose corp. last spring and told everyone it would take the dull work away. It has not. It has made more. We looked at all 41 departments. Not one had less of the old work. All 41 reported that productivity had fallen. This issue is how we got here and what we have done.

What the Review Found

We read every department report, one outside study, and the notes from sixty interviews. Seven things came out of it. They are printed in the order we found them.

1. Nobody Defined the New ScoresLast year every HR department in the country was handed two new things to grade people on: AI proficiency and AI utilization. Nobody wrote down what either one meant. We graded you on both for a quarter anyway. We have been looking for the definitions since March and have not found them.

2. Nothing Got FasterThe Tokyo Business Review asked two thousand office workers whether these tools saved them time. They said no. Writing the prompt, reading what comes back, and fixing what comes back are three jobs. Before, there was one. This is understood, simply, as more work.

3. People Stopped Thinking FirstThe same study reports that more people now ask for an opinion before they have formed one. Requests of the form “I want you to think about what I want!” have begun to arrive. This is a serious matter.

4. The Numbers Were Made UpWe checked the productivity reports against what actually happened. They did not match. Nine departments reported gains in months when the work in question had not started.

5. Managers Have Been DockedEveryone at director level and above who pushed a rollout has had their pay cut. Nobody below that level has been touched. Several have written to say the decision came from above them. It did.

6. The Vendors Were Written ToWe wrote to OpenAI and to Anthropic and asked them to stop saying that this technology dramatically improves productivity. Neither has written back. Their role, it appears, is to sit in a small lab and think about the fantasy of productivity.

7. The Guidance Has Changedotiose corp. no longer recommends these tools. Use them when they will let you slack off efficiently. AI is for helping a person. That is the only use.

We are not recommending anything. Rollouts already running will continue. Stopping one would take a project, and a project would take people.

Filed for the record

Send questions to the Internal HR desk, Floor 4. We expect none.

This is the first issue. There will be another when we have something to say, and not before.